both ways die

i went out mamak tonight. my best fren was there with her husband to be. she hasnt been calling me out to mamak nowdays. the fallout i guess did affected out relationship much. alot been goin on my mind tat somehow i feel like i cant put my bf with her on the same table. he doesnt mind...i do, she does and its a pretty fucked up feeling.

she's getting married the day after. its a happy occasion after all. we talked personally and it seems like it was fine. till i called my bf to come to mamak and join in. somehow i shut down. i dunno why but i shut down n somehow ignored my bf in front of my best fren. if i think that by doin so i do get some approval from her, i guess it pretty much sums up... no comment from her, just an angry bf at the end of the day saying "if u plan to ignore me in mamak, then dont call me. i dun mind"

ahh... i know, i shouldnt give a damn about wat my best fren think of my bf...but i cant help it. i know i cant please everyone. i know that she dont call me out to mamak cuz of some reasons. she thinks that since i have a bf i wont have time for her. she doesnt even know that i treasure our friendship so much that even my bf know about it. she dont get me. she's just being such an ignorant friend. this fall out is just not the thing we should have. i dont understand why she cant be abit more supportive instead of being judgemental.

i cant please everyone. everyone would just have to find the equilibrium in my graph of life. see this situation, both ways also i die if i try to please both at the same time.

lunch and dinner at my house

ahhh, well biggus dickus joined us for lunch and then later at nite dinner at my house. yes i know. its like im taking him home to be slaughtered by my commando style daddy. all my childhood friends are scared of him. my dad scare the shit away of all those guys who use to call my house phone back when i was in secondary school. drilling them with the standard why u call my daughter for?

apparently, this time round he dont do this kinda style anymore i suppose. not too sure. but if he keeps this up, i wont get married :P. my parents didnt really comment on biggus dickus. i guess they're just glad he's not my ex bf i brought home. my mom is pretty adamant about me dating my ex. the way she talks about my ex, asking me why he still calls me its like she's the one that broke up with him. hahah...yeah i know. my mom took it personally.

irony

ahh, my ex bf is still very much in the mood of begging for another chance. all those promises he promise me, all those phone call of crying like a babe on the other side, all the stupid things he tries to remind me what happen last time. but instead of the empathy i should feel, i cant seems to find it anywhere for him anymore. instead i feel sorry that he's down to his knees, begging me cuz he asked me whether i want him to beg. sigh, how low can one stoop? especially when i know wat kinda of person he is. i guess i shattered his ego. i guess now he knows what i felt like last time.

i got a friendster msg from him. those who knows me, knows that i still sit with him in church even after i broke up with him. hoping n hoping that it will work out in the end. but at the end of the day, i decided to move on instead. the message read like this.

"Dear, why dun give us another chance? i couldn't make it to church today..i dun think i can concentrate or even sit still. Just spent 30 mins standing on the roof top. My hand is shivering now.. Guess i understand how u felt that time. I am so regret about last time. I am so sorry about everything.

I really respect how u could sit next to me with all these feelings within. I dun think i can do that. I have no idea why am i typing this message. Guess u wont be talking to me anymore.All that i can do now is holding on to some sweet memories to find happiness for the days ahead. I will wish you happiness for who ever u r dating. Maybe this is the punishment for me. You'll never know how much u miss someone/something until u really lose him/her. Cherish whatever u have. Bless you."

i know im evil, the way i brush him off. but then again i know he will take me for granted again i suppose. but mayb not. who knows. my ex told me, he will wait. wait till the end. should i be happy? i told him not to instead. i told him there's no point in this waiting. anyway i told him i think it isnt a good idea to sit together anymore. no point edi.

im happy that i receive a few message of encouragement and congratulations. that i manage to move on and found another guy thats there to cherish me. the best part was the message i receive from my ex's bestfriend thats in australia. the person i turn and cry too when i have problems with my ex.

"Congrats buddy on finding a new love. Really happy for you, after all the suffering you went through this year. Enjoy your new relationship! =) See you in December."

but then again, maybe he dont know that my ex decided he wants me back. ahh...watever. im blissfully happy he's suffering..yeah call me a sadist. but im also glad i found biggus dickus :) but im still not too sure about SM's acceptance of him. sigh...........

melayu?

ahh... lets relate my friendster experience again. im not sure why and which part of me that looks like a malay, but then im alwiz mistaken as one on friendster. mayb due to misleading caption of my primary photo or either im that dark at times or rather all the time. ish... i wanna be fair.. as fair like all those guys i used to date or currently dating. hehehe. so not fair when im compared to them.

i got numerous malay guys asking me to add them or nak berkenalan or etc. i merely laugh at the fact that i look so like a malay girl. cant deny that i could speak fluent malay too. anyway, i got this really interesting message, by someone who's desperate. or mayb he copy and paste and send to many. who knows right.

haii..
apa khabar
pose tak
bersahur tadi dgn apa
i azlie 29 th
dari KL
bisnesman (kontrakter civil kelas c)
status bujang
tinggi 166berat 60 kg
my h/p no 012253XXX
akhir sekali azlie mengucapkan 3S :
SELAMAT PERKENALAN
SELAMAT BERPUASA
SELAMAT MENYAMBUT HARI RAYA
see u

the message above makes me laugh. a good one that is. heheheh

anyway, my dad mistaken him as a malay and ask him tak buka puasa?

ah, yeah this is the infamous friendster pic. with the caption 3 malay girls :P

p.s : am i misleading or wat? heheheh

friendster profile

im moving on, in this dating game...im moving on one step ahead. and to biggus dickus, the confirmation or rather that confidence he has in himself comes when im rather committed. to prove that im his. yeah, i change my relationship status on friendster to "in a relationship". i know this is a drastic move. from the dating game to the relationship thingy. somehow i know im not suppose to put my whole heart into this in case im hurt once again. anyhow im trying this relationship out.

at the same time, my ex changed his friendster profile. since friendster has this updates announcement and out of sheer curiosity, i clicked on it. he seems pretty lost. here's how it looks like:

About Me:I am so screwed up
***********************************************************

Remember the promises we made to each other
Remember all the cries and laughther we shared

I am so regretful of all what i've done
I know it is impossible to turn back time
U told me the feelings were gone
My heart collapsed but i have to remain calm
Guess i am going through what u experienced b4
It is such a fool of me to let it go last time

I am left with the memories we had together
Maybe it is no longer in your mind
Maybe you have left it behind you
And i can't blame you for doing so
I know i have to let it go
But it is not as easy as i thought it would be

I hope he treats you nice
I can only love you from a far
I have chose to hold on to the memories forever
If it means living alone until the end of time
I will gladly do that
Maybe this is a punishment
Maybe this is a lesson that i have to learn
Maybe this is my destiny

I have to thank you for all the memories
I am thanking God for the experience
I wish i have another chance to hold you in my arms
I will hold on to it forever
You will have my wishes for who ever he is
I will learn to love un-selfishly
I love you

ah...here, at last i seen something of regret on his part. but at the same time i cant help but feel pity for him. i got the whole conversaiton Ej had with him this morning.about how much he regret now and how he didnt move on. tsk tsk...too late isnt it.

past comes back haunting

just as i thought that after my prom, life whould resume back to routine. what is routine anyway? seems like life is abit more complicated when biggus dickus came into my life and the old guy tat left my life 7 months prior to all this decided that he felt jealous that i went far ahead and started dating someone else. he felt that he has a gap in him. ahh...most probably he suddenly felt that its different that im not there anymore when he decided to switch on the relationship button again.

things took a turn later that nite when i didnt reply his sms about him missing me. he called me instead. told me he would wanna date me. this saturday if its possible.i told him im not ready for him as i didnt change for the better nor the person i am. just last week he commented out of sheer frustration that i didnt change and i will never change and he go like "good...stay the same" i realised than that we both had too much past and he wouldnt be happy with me. im also thankful that im not dating him plus i answered him saying " its a good thing, ur not my bf. at least i dont have to worry about changing"

that nite as i was talking to my ex, my mind wasnt on the conversation. i was thinking about biggus dickus as i know he's waiting for my call. i was trying to end the call early. each time i say i need to go, my ex goes like 5 more minutes please. and when biggus dickus called me, my heart dropped. i let him down. the start of the conversation was him in a pathetic voice saying "he called you didnt he.. and you promised me you wont talk to him." i was crushed myself. if it was me in his shoes, i would have been disapointed too. yes yes... demanding also. bu he changed his mind later about that call. said if i wanna talk to my ex, i could do just that.

today, my ex sms me early in the morning asking me whether i have feelings for him left anot. i didnt reply that msg. then later he msg me saying whether im annoyed with him and how come i didnt wan to reply his sms. as biggus dickus gave me a ride to college, i casually showed him wat my ex sms me. he told me to reply him that he, biggus dickus is annoyed. haha...

as i reminiscence all the things that goes through my head, i cant help but feel that, i have been looking forward to this time. to this moment that he(my ex) will feel that tinge of regret and jealousy as i date someone new. i also cant help but think that i would drop that new toy boy and run back to him. i pictured myself doing all that 7 months ago. but then circumstances change. the new guy treats me better. he prefer me the way i am. no pretenses.. just me and the person i am. i like that. life is much more simpler that way. i dont expect things from him. and he does the same way back at me. mayb that bitch in me hasn't surface yet. cross my fingers !!

potatoes instead of flowers

yeah.... flowers shows that "i love you when you're beautiful, but your outer beauty will fade away, grow stale and i'd dump u in the trash in an instance"
but...potatoes....
now that's love
"you might be ugly, but i still love you for what you are inside... and over time, we'll grow together and grow more little potatoes.."
hahahhaha, so ....
ask him to get her bloody potatoes la..
whr u learn that wan ?
so, im gonna get potatoes for valentines...so sweet of u

im not sure i should laugh or cry... hahaha

circle k dream dessert day pics...

one last picture before we call it a day

yes everyone, dig in..its desserts

discuss discuss...wat ur name? ur age? ur fav food?
the crowd...on THE floor...yes, its informal

the banner !!..lovely isn't it

winners of the day...lucky draw and the first commers !!

oh...she's tanggled aright. game time !!
The human origami...
ganasnya...have to carry somemore.
The group...
chairperson of the event and MC

etc etc......

how's my life lately?...quite blissful i might add... with all the assignments and presentation and quiz due... all those headache... sleepless night.. no social life whatsoever and staying back in the library finally ... is due.its over except for one bloody finance subject one.

biggus dickus b'day come and go just in a snap of my fingers..i didnt get him any b'day present..nor any friendster testimonial...just an sms saying im sorry that i cant make it for any celebration and i owe him a gift due to the time constraint of all my quiz and assignment. ahahha... i know..i cant help it okie.

drinking session with S, ck and perasan boy was fun... ck's car was officially and truly officialise when that boy sprayed all his saliva all over the dashboard. hahah... yeah, he owes ck big BIG time.

my prom is tomoro for the matter, plus i got the pictures for the circle k dream dessert day. shall post it up soon. anyway, here's a phrase i got from "THE deer" hahah...

"The only way to understand any woman
is to love her...
And then it isn't necessary to understand her. "

happy b'day

just a few birthday wishes to those i know that falls on this date. coincidentally, i know 3 person so here are your personal wishes though u guys wont get to see this.

to the ex-bf, happy birthday of course. though i know u got shelling from my uncle for whatever reasons he shelled you for, i dont regret you got that though. to me, u deserve my uncle's piece of mind cuz when i love( or though i did) you so much u let me down. when i tot you love me alone...you shared ur love with another girl. anyway now your just a piece of shit. i dont give a rat ass about wat you or your life is now( yea yea, i know...i learned that from my indon maid junie. hating someone is a good remedy to fall out of love)

to my ex crush, happy birthday. i've never felt any stupider liking you so much. we had our fair share of fun but im the dumb one when i know, you already have a gf and i wanted a piece of your attention. the best part was, you gave me attention...leading me to stupidly believe that we had a chance together but when the chance came...you still choose your gf and when ur relationship was over...you regretted for not choosing me. whatever it is, i got over you.. ur wasting your time nowdays.

happy birthday to biggus dickus. anyway i dont call you by that name ... you're the one that called yourself that. yeah yeah..sounds so like your alter ego. anyway, happy birthday... it wasnt my intention to get you drunk. you're the one that wanted to tag along. so... you are the biggest idiot. isiot was a spelling mistake. plus im not isiot okie. yes yes...do go for a medical checkup...cuz i think you seriously need one.ur eyesight is failing, ur taste is also very bad and you have really bad short term memory loss. anyway you havent pushed the wrong buttons yet....so im not gonna curse you here yet. mayb next year if things turn sour :P

complication of the sceptic

I've always been a sceptic when it comes to relationship. ok, let me rephrase it... especially when it comes to relationship. maybe its the paranoia in me playing a big part or maybe its the repeat offender in me thats suddenly afraid of all sorts of possibilities that comes with it. a mutual friend of mine Kev, reiterate to me that woman tend to think of things way ahead of the present situation. all the "what if's" , "what not's" and "what will" seems to ooze out of them (me included >.<) and cause them to restraint themselves after weighing all those possibilities. i have two childhood friends who are guys that does things on an ad hoc basis but sadly i can't see myself doing so. Kev went on so much as saying that when he looked at me, he cant seems to find that girl who was carefree and has that infectious laughter. 4 years and 2 failed relationship was all it took to rob me of my carefree spirit i suppose. of course im not depressed.. just a bit more guarded as maturity sets in.

the more i dwell on the possibilities of this particular guy im currently dating, the more it hits me right on my face on the fact that, my best friend has weight all the possibilities for me and drawn up the conclusion that i should not date him. when i weight all the possibilities myself i know that for a fact, my parent won't be too please about me dating him. the fact that im dating him and not my best friend or parents, makes me feel like who i date its them who has to put the "SIRIM" sticker of approval. i know they're only thinking for the best of my interest and i cant thank them enough for it. im not being an ungrateful bitch here.

i know through past experience as a repeat offender, my best friend is doing this in my best interest as she deemed that im a loyalist and will stick to that guy through thick and thin and in sickness and health (haha... i know..sounds so corny) and looking on his past records.. he's the big underachiever that farks up a relationship, girlfriend snatcher, a womaniser by nature and someone who will dump me when a better one comes along. i know im neither perfect as im a paranoid, someone who jumps to conclusion and have a really good imagination(a silly dinner at saisaki with a girl for e.g.) on how a guy will and can cheat on me, a sadist, the bully in a relationship and a demanding bitch to top it all up. but i guess to my best friend, im the one who's perfect while he's just in her black books.

S once said that i must protect myself when it comes to relationship. its not worth the pain one have to go through to find out how farked up in the end.. if it ends. but he credited myself for being who i really am in each relationship i go into. that i put my all into it to try to make it work and thats just me and hence the title repeat offender. with this new guy im dating.. he says he "cuci tangan" already. wat does that imply? sigh... i know...it feels like wat V said is true "love is still pretty much an social event around these parts of the world". its exactly true as im bothered about what others think of me. at times i wonder why can't i be selfish for once and do what i really want to do... but of course conscience will eat away at that and i feel like im caught in the middle. V on the other hand isn't bothered what other people think of him. he said that..

"Over the past 3 years, I've mumble, grumble and stumble my way past my so called friends, taking all the blame for an incident while dishonor in the unspoken rule of manhood, both of us played a big part in. And I did everything, I did everything I could other than to apologise for something I felt there wasn't a need to apologise for. But I must be old, or at least some decent sense of maturity has finally caught up with me. I apologised to my friend last week, though I'm not sure he understood the context or importance of it. Not that I care though, I'm tired. Tired of explaining over and over again, tired of ignoring every single news about me and most of all, tired of all the trust they said I 'lost', which was ironic as they never gave me any in the first place."

Anyway, V isn't sorry for his past or for how his life turned out to be and for whatever wrong his friends crucify him for. sigh... i can never live this kinda life as i know for sure im all bothered about what people think of me. yes i know... stupid me.

Somehow this dating game has turned out to be more than the usual as all sorts of conflict has turned up.wow, life of a drama queen has always been exciting it seems. although V is such a boring guy due to the fact that he gives me the impression of a 40 year old trapped in a 23 year old body. somehow the mature and immature conversation we have makes me laugh and puts a smile on my yet plain face.

i always remember telling him that this whole thing is complicated and in which his reply would be its me who's making things complicated as he sees it. it was not a said out formal thing that he's my boyfriend or anything. a date is still a date... dating could still be dates which consist of nothing more than a good time spend on watching movies or lunches. relationship on the other hand, its a more complicated issue which has yet to be sorted out in my department or im just behaving like a petulant overgrown child.... sigh. anyway he's set his mind to prove my best friend that she's wrong but what's the point on him doing so when i don't see this relationshp going anywhere after 5 years down the road? (yea yea..the sceptic in me doing the talking) especially with my parents and christianity will then be dragged in..*groan*.. another source of headache.

TBS treasure hunt + tau foo fah dessert at 11.30pm

due to the haze last two months the treasure hunt was postpone to today. wow, after working the day before, plus having not enough sleep... i was abit reluctant to attend the treasure hunt. since its a team event, if one member dont turn up the whole team will be disqualified.

treasure hunt was an experience. the most running i have ever done after my school sports days. all the venue was held all over ss15 with games ranging from fear factor to accounts question and IQ testing.

whatever it is, i had a bad feeling about the whole game. too much running gives me the headache plus no lunch wasnt realy a good idea. my fault for not taking care of myself. nearly vomited of nothing... hahaha... nearly tripped over something... plus fuse that day was short among team members. anyhow, we manage to complete the whole 9 clue and task given but we reach there in 4th placing. since i went home early i didnt receive my goodie bag, but i did get my domino pizza card where im entitled to buy one large free one large pizza of my choice.

came home back in time for church and then back home for some serious tau foo fah making dessert for the circle k dream dessert day. i know... am suppose to make 2 pots too.. so much tedious work...didnt know why i volunteer. tot not enough food i supose. finish all that by 2.30am.. good thing my mom help out... crap...need to sleep edi. gonna be the MC for the dream dessert day thingy